If Only You Were as Good as Him (and other musings)
Friday night's intoxicating libations were first consumed at Cactus, right near work, within stumbling distance to the parking garage where my car was living for the day, and home to hot traders.
Good things: ogling hot men with my favorite gay man by my side; cheap drinks (and a lot of them); saying good-bye to Former Sales Guy (and his sniffles).
Bad things: Enjoying myself so much I lost track of time and was late for the birthday party I had to visit.
Didn't want to leave. Was having too much fun with MFGM. Honestly, if only I could find a version of him who would enjoy me more than him, I would be set. My new take on meeting men- especially in MFGM's company- is, "If only you were half the person MFGM is." Naturally, I think it and do not verbalize because Interested Man would think I need countless therapy sessions. Bottom line: It's very possible my prospects are either getting worse or what I want has reached an all-new unattainable level.
Birthday party was at the same old joint. Dear Ex-Beau's friends made sure to chat me up. When his friends are outwardly more engaging with me than he is (while he stares and sulks in the corner, taking all of it in), he should reflect on his inept social skills. It did provide some entertainment for me, so it's a double-edged sword. Lose the entertainment in order to have sane, normal-person type public encounters, or keep things the way they are and wonder if he will ever act like a sane individual? His problem is he overthinks everything. Meeting up with people from his hardly-sordid past play out like a movie in his head. I know it does. If only he were half the man my favorite gay man is...then he'd know how to handle situations with grace, humor, and some cunning wit.
My quarantine is over. I ended it on my own. I wasn't about to wait around for my insane brother to get grounded in reality. The likelihood of that happening any time soon was not there. Diva Niece is fantastic. Almost walking, the energy level of a small kangaroo, and cute as cute can be. She has the most adorable little voice, and a laugh that will eventually mimic mine, if I am hearing correctly. Lucky girl. We lunched together, and we Mmmm'd over our food. She is a ham.
When you have nothing to say to a friend and you're bored by their conversation and you really need to force yourself to spend time with them- even when beer is available- does that mean that you should end things?
There is a festival by my house this weekend. I went to sleep last night to strains of old 80's tunes. It reminded me of when I lived in the city and on summer nights we would open the windows and hear the hubbub from the sidewalk below: music, laughter, conversation, arguments and threats. The festival sounds made me smile; so did the memories -- although not the arguments and threats part. I thought about walking by there this evening, just for the helluva it. Maybe they have cotton candy. Or just cheap beer. I wonder what sort of people are going to this festival. After all, I'm not in the city so the culture could be very different.
I need to do more on my own. I have never been to a movie by myself. I always envisioned this social stigma. I sit at the movies and worry about the people sitting by themselves. I come up with this whole story for why they are alone at the movies. Usually, they are friendless for some horrible reason. I always want to invite these people to sit with me and my friends. I want to fix whatever social woes they may have. I never do speak to any of them, but I always think about. I need to do it: pay for a movie and sit alone and enjoy. It's a hurdle I have never tackled.
Would this be like going to a fest on your own? Which is worse? I think the fest. But it's here in my 'burb, so what do I care?
FTF is coming to see me tonight. He wants to see the new pad, meaning he really just misses me and wants to see me in my new pad. I'm not complaining. Our schedules have been awful this year and we have had to jump through hoops to get them to mesh. I always look forward to our time together. He is one who I pushed away and I always wonder why I did that and if I made the right decision. What we have is fantastic for us, but I always think, "This was perfect and I screwed it up; I made him leave." But when you don't trust someone, and you know they are not fully trustworthy on a committed relationship level and you sense that and then know it for certain after your decision was made, then things worked out perfectly. I know this, and know that what we have now is weird yet deeper than what either of us admits on a daily basis but succumb to when we see each other. If we're still together in 20 years, he better set up this mistress in the best way possible.
Stephen is adamant that he is coming to Paris with me in October. It will be a blast, but I refuse to believe it until his ticket is bought.
Good things: ogling hot men with my favorite gay man by my side; cheap drinks (and a lot of them); saying good-bye to Former Sales Guy (and his sniffles).
Bad things: Enjoying myself so much I lost track of time and was late for the birthday party I had to visit.
Didn't want to leave. Was having too much fun with MFGM. Honestly, if only I could find a version of him who would enjoy me more than him, I would be set. My new take on meeting men- especially in MFGM's company- is, "If only you were half the person MFGM is." Naturally, I think it and do not verbalize because Interested Man would think I need countless therapy sessions. Bottom line: It's very possible my prospects are either getting worse or what I want has reached an all-new unattainable level.
Birthday party was at the same old joint. Dear Ex-Beau's friends made sure to chat me up. When his friends are outwardly more engaging with me than he is (while he stares and sulks in the corner, taking all of it in), he should reflect on his inept social skills. It did provide some entertainment for me, so it's a double-edged sword. Lose the entertainment in order to have sane, normal-person type public encounters, or keep things the way they are and wonder if he will ever act like a sane individual? His problem is he overthinks everything. Meeting up with people from his hardly-sordid past play out like a movie in his head. I know it does. If only he were half the man my favorite gay man is...then he'd know how to handle situations with grace, humor, and some cunning wit.
My quarantine is over. I ended it on my own. I wasn't about to wait around for my insane brother to get grounded in reality. The likelihood of that happening any time soon was not there. Diva Niece is fantastic. Almost walking, the energy level of a small kangaroo, and cute as cute can be. She has the most adorable little voice, and a laugh that will eventually mimic mine, if I am hearing correctly. Lucky girl. We lunched together, and we Mmmm'd over our food. She is a ham.
When you have nothing to say to a friend and you're bored by their conversation and you really need to force yourself to spend time with them- even when beer is available- does that mean that you should end things?
There is a festival by my house this weekend. I went to sleep last night to strains of old 80's tunes. It reminded me of when I lived in the city and on summer nights we would open the windows and hear the hubbub from the sidewalk below: music, laughter, conversation, arguments and threats. The festival sounds made me smile; so did the memories -- although not the arguments and threats part. I thought about walking by there this evening, just for the helluva it. Maybe they have cotton candy. Or just cheap beer. I wonder what sort of people are going to this festival. After all, I'm not in the city so the culture could be very different.
I need to do more on my own. I have never been to a movie by myself. I always envisioned this social stigma. I sit at the movies and worry about the people sitting by themselves. I come up with this whole story for why they are alone at the movies. Usually, they are friendless for some horrible reason. I always want to invite these people to sit with me and my friends. I want to fix whatever social woes they may have. I never do speak to any of them, but I always think about. I need to do it: pay for a movie and sit alone and enjoy. It's a hurdle I have never tackled.
Would this be like going to a fest on your own? Which is worse? I think the fest. But it's here in my 'burb, so what do I care?
FTF is coming to see me tonight. He wants to see the new pad, meaning he really just misses me and wants to see me in my new pad. I'm not complaining. Our schedules have been awful this year and we have had to jump through hoops to get them to mesh. I always look forward to our time together. He is one who I pushed away and I always wonder why I did that and if I made the right decision. What we have is fantastic for us, but I always think, "This was perfect and I screwed it up; I made him leave." But when you don't trust someone, and you know they are not fully trustworthy on a committed relationship level and you sense that and then know it for certain after your decision was made, then things worked out perfectly. I know this, and know that what we have now is weird yet deeper than what either of us admits on a daily basis but succumb to when we see each other. If we're still together in 20 years, he better set up this mistress in the best way possible.
Stephen is adamant that he is coming to Paris with me in October. It will be a blast, but I refuse to believe it until his ticket is bought.
2 Comments:
Gotta drop the friends. If you don't care what they're saying and don't have anything to say to them, perhaps the title friend isn't terribly appropriate.
Never been to a movie alone?? What the fuck? Movies alone are the best. You can go see the worst waste of film ever, and never need to feel guilty. Gotta try it. Go ahead. It's OK. Won't hurt, I promise.
By
Elle Starr, at 12:58 AM
You're so right about dropping the "friend." Problem is, every time I try to pull away she wither does something really nice or she needs someone. It's as though she sees it coming. It's worse than breaking up with someone.
I will definitely do a movie on my own. It is my summer goal.
By
mistressofchange, at 8:46 AM
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