Open Letter to Dear X-Boyfriend

Dear DXB,

Let me open with a fact: You are a schmuck. A poor, misguided one. But still a schmuck.

I know we have been friends for many years. In fact, more than 6 before we even ventured into that great waste of time we called a relationship. You know, the one that took two years from the both of us. When we mutually agreed to part ways, we agreed to maintain our friendship. After all, there was no animosity between us.

However, somewhere along the line, you forgot how to be my friend. I know you're trying. You have been for the past two years. At first it was slightly amusing to watch you flail around in these new waters, but now it's just damn frustrating. Because you try harder. And I don't have the time to help you.

Apparently, you want a "special friendship." One that you're incapable of having with me because you feel too much or not enough and neither is at the appropriate moment. You also think this special friendship entitles you and only you to call the shots when you want. I would normally take issue with this, but count how many times I have called you.

(Zero is indeed the correct answer.)

Putting aside those moments where we thought it might be fun to explore our feelings and I thought you might be adult enough for the kind of friendship you want, I would've liked nothing more than to go back to a semblance of the friendship we used to have. We did have fun. And lots of laughs. And it's possible to get some of that back. I know because I've done it before with men both better and worse than you.

But the one thing you cannot do is ignore me in public when you are dating someone, virtually kick me off your radar, and then expect me to run to your side, arms wide open when she dumps you.

Our mutual friends have told me you're in a "fragile state." I didn't ask for this information. It was given to me and I have to admit that it made me laugh. Fragile? Let's look at the plain facts: She dumped you. You begged her back. She dumped you again. And there's no getting her back. Things happen. It's been several weeks. It's time to start that healing process.

However...Please don't turn to me when you're in your "fragile state." You turn to real friends for that. I'm not your real friend nor your special friend. I am the limbo friend. I am the one who obviously cares enough to write this but not enough to be your Good-For-Right-Now-To-Ease-The-Pain friend.

I wasn't good enough to speak to two months ago when she was by your side, but now I'm good enough to call repeatedly. And don't think I don't know what you want. It's not my shoulder to cry on.

I especially loved how you called repeatedly on Saturday morning. If I don't pick up at 2am and I don't return the long, semi-slurred message you left me, please don't continue to call back on the half-hour. It's not necessary. Not only am I not picking up the phone to speak with you, but you're not seeing me. I wasn't even in town on Saturday morning. I was in Vancouver, trying to grab a few hours of sleep before spending a day of travel to get home. My phone was on because it was my back-up alarm clock. Most people are conscious of time (both theirs as well as time differences). Your booty call would've fallen flat either way.

Please re-think what you're doing. You're going down the wrong path. If you're starting to see the glimmer of wrong-doing in your past, don't think sleeping with me is going to make things better. It's true I was the best thing that ever happened to you- emotionally, physically, mentally, and monetarily. I was part of your support network and of course I cared. Still do. But you cannot stick me on this shelf and only pull me down to play with when you're ready on your terms. That isn't how this works.

I'm sure this will fall on blind eyes. I'm sure we'll have a similar discussion when you do happen to catch me. What happens in the future happens then, but I do hope you will take something away from this now. In the meantime, please use discretion when dialing.